Today as I create this, most ironically, she has stopped responding to my text messages. I check ‘inbox’ and notice that her last text is not only from 5 hrs ago but it is so blatantly informative that a slow panic begins to creep up in the back of my chest cavity. It reads “5am-10pm.” No exclamations. Nothing! Nothing! I text again ( a smiley face) and nothing. In fact, I have four ‘outgoing’ texts with no response. My last one reads 20: 46 “Okay...it’s kind of sad :-(not having your texts during the day!!You are Prob sooo tired (nHope you are OK too) and I Hope you still talk to me :-)”
21:02 I begin to feel a slight heart strain and fluttering. My hands have now become colder and sweatier and I also feel strange sensation around my left shoulder blade. I wonder if this is the redbull and adderrall combo, the fact that I am now officially a week behind a research project deadline, or her lack of response (it’s 21:09 btw). The same nauseating feeling that you had last time you found out you were being cheated on, or when you got dumped, is now beginning to materialize as well.
You may wonder how my needy, insecure, and possessive nature exists in the world of dating and relationships at all, but you don’t know that for the past three weeks she has unfailingly responded promptly and/or initiated constant texting. Although I promised to myself that I will not submit to her random acts of torture, and since it will be her loss, I will not be texting back to her today. Of course, this plan has now been officially aborted as it is very hard to play hard to get with someone who is also (hopefully) playing hard to get.
The nausea is now officially a fact. Plausible explanations (delusions that we all commonly use) to satiate my neuroses;
She has been hit by a car or suffered a work injury; Her cell phone battery died few hours ago; (OMG, OMG this is not working or helping at all)....
Now let’s consider the rational explanations; She has met someone else; She has realized that we will break each other’s heart and we are way too far from each other for us to ever work; She has been hit by a car or suffered a work injury; Her cell phone battery dies few hours ago; (You now see, this is not as easy as it seems as the delusions and rationale overlap in a big degree;
I took two aspirins. (Daily intake: 3 cups of black coffee, once a day energy and multivitamin supplement, 40 calories of tropical punch, 40 mg adderrall, 640 mg aspirin, 110 calories from the redbull too); It’s now officially 10:05PM and my heart feels like it is about to explode with anticipation,... or the drugs. I need to go to facebook ASAP and remove my status before she has a chance to get back home and see it...as a pathetic and desperate attempt to show I am interested. I erase the famous ABBA lyrics "But now it isn't true/ Now everything is new/ And all I've learned has overturned/ I beg of you...Don't go wasting your emotion...Lay all your love on me Don't go sharing your devotion...Lay all your love on me I used to think that was sensible/It makes the truth even more incomprehensible"
It’s eleven thirty and no response. My initial inspiration has been greatly affected by the nausea. I send another text “:-(?”
I will stop...my boyfriend is back home!
P.S.
11:40 P.M.
“jus got off babe m soo sorry..headin 2 have sum drinks then bed cause I gotta get up n go 2 game @ 9am”
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